Friday, July 17, 2009

Homicide - Hussey: Sex and the Badge - Part 1

Detective Mark Hussey is back today, with the first half of his chapter, "Sex and the Badge." Given the content, I hope you'll forgive me for not coming up with illustrations. You'll have to use your imaginations.

The bad news: because it's long, it's going to be another two-parter. The good news: Today's part is a complete anecdote - no cliff hanger ending.

I grew up in a relatively conservative community in West Orange County, Florida, outside of Orlando. It was an area that prior to 1971, when the Walt Disney Company invaded the area, was a quiet, southern, almost backwards place. When I was in high school, sex consisted of maybe some light petting, through the clothing, and a lot of fantasizing. So when I went out into the world and became a cop, I was again shocked when I encountered some of the ways people amuse and abuse themselves -- get off, as it were.

I promised the guys when I started this book that I wouldn't go into too much detail about the sexual exploits of the boys in blue. Suffice it to say that there were always girls around, literally hanging around the police station, drooling at a chance to hook up with a Lakeland cop. Also suffice to say that the "ladies" were never disappointed, no matter what they looked like. There was always someone willing, if not when sober, then after a couple of beers, to satisfy a cop groupie.

Most of those situations, however, were "relatively" normal. Cops are known to be kinky but not perverted.

The difference, an old cop once told me is this: "Kinky" involves the use of a feather during a sexual encounter. A "pervert" uses the whole chicken. I met a lot of chicken users over the years.

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In 1980 I got a call that there was a suspicious person parked at the rear of Vito's Restaurant on South Florida Avenue. The vehicle was described as a late model, dark blue Cadillac. The car was parked with all four windows down and occupied by a white male. When I pulled my cruiser into the alley, I killed the lights and coasted to stop behind the car. I radioed headquarters and told them I had the vehicle and that indeed a white male appeared to be occupying the front seat. As I got out, though, it struck me funny that the guy just wasn't right. I saw the guys head, as he was sitting in the front seat, but there were legs and feet on each side of his head. It looked like he was having sex, but he was not moving. It was weird.

"Get out of the car," I said into the PA mike.

"I can't," yelled a voice from inside the car.

I switched the federal system over to radio and asked dispatch to send me a backup. "10-4," the radio crackled.

I didn't wait long. Officer Mike Brand rolled into the lot and grumbled something as he got out of the car. Mike, or "Brand-X", as he was nicknamed, was a great cop. He was large-framed and talked very softly. He was always good for a dry, one liner. He would be quiet for a long time, then say something profound and funny as all hell.

"Hey Mike." I said as he walked up.

"What ya got?"

"I'm not sure what's up. It's just weird."

"Let's do it," Mike said with a sigh.

He un-holstered his revolver and held it next to his right leg as we walked up to the car. I took the driver's side, being careful to look into the stream of light provided by my flashlight, for any movement that might put myself or my partner in danger. As I got around to the open window, I was not prepared for the sight that would meet my eyes.

Steven Ziegler was a 38 year old stockbroker, with an iron deficiency and male pattern baldness. His alabaster body had not seen sunlight for years. Mr. Zeigler was about 5'6" tall but at the moment, was about 2 feet tall. He was nude, and contorted like a pretzel, with his body lodged between the front seat and the steering wheel. His knees were pushed up around his shoulders, with his feet resting on the ceiling of the car. His limp penis was resting along side his cheek.

"What the fuck are you doing!" I screamed.

He tried to turn his head but was unable to. "I could lie to you Officer, but what would be the point? I was drinking at the "Office Lounge" and got a little excited. Of course I struck out with the ladies so when this guy leaned over to me and said, 'don't you wish you could suck your own dick, we wouldn't need to hunt these bitches,' I got an idea."

"What was the idea?" I asked as I looked into the incredulous face of Brand-x.

"You know, do myself."

I felt sick, as I understood what he was talking about. My veteran partner asked matter-of-factly, "Well did it work?"

"Hell yes, I've always been wiry," he exclaimed proudly. "It worked, that is, until I tried to get outta' this seat. It locked up on me."

"Are you a spitter or a swallower?" Mike continued dryly.

"Oh man" I thought.

Mike and I tried everything we could think of to get the electric seats of the Cadillac freed up, in order to release the Uni-dater. As the extrication attempts continued, the curious onlookers, mostly other cops, began to arrive. As each new participant came on the scene, he was told through hysterical laughter, the tale of the "self-help" stockbroker. Thank God it was four o'clock in the morning, or the gawkers would have been more numerous. Finally, we had to call the fire department and get their Hurst tool (jaws of life) to break the car seat loose from its moorings. Officer George Kistner, who held the department record for marriages and divorces at six, said thoughtfully, he wished he had learned to do it long ago, as it would have saved him a lot of money.

When Mr. Zeigler was finally released, he gingerly unfolded his contorted body and stood up, stretching his neck from side to side. As he got dressed, a discussion developed as to what he should be charged with. We settled on indecent exposure since there were no other persons involved.

Have a great weekend, everyone. I'm looking forward to being able to attend my first monthly meeting of the Florida MWA on Saturday. These are the folks who put SleuthFest together every year. Normally, I can't make their monthly meetings, but the stars are aligned properly this month. And they've shifted their venue for this meeting, which puts them a good hour closer to my home!


Ray said...

He must have gotten the idea from a porn movie that was shown in the 1970s. At least the guy giving the suggestion probably saw it.


Terry Odell said...

Hi, Ray - I don't make these stories up and never question Mark Hussey about their authenticity (although I don't doubt any of it).

And gee -- haven't seen you around here in awhile. Guess it took "sex" in the header to drag you back. :-)

Ray said...

I've just been overwhelmed with email. I've been reading. When I get back to my email it seems as if I have over 1000.


Terry Odell said...

Hey, Ray, I was just teasing. I do my email and blog reading over coffee in the morning. Being on digest helps a lot.

Elena said...

ROTFL Thank officer Hussy for me for a good morning giggle - looking forward to the rest.

Patricia Stoltey said...

Well, I see what you mean about this post, Terry. (Note that I made a point of stopping by today). LOL

Now I have a totally gross picture in my mind which will probably be there all day, and I won't be able to tell people why I'm giggling. Very funny story.

Terry Odell said...

Are you going to rethink that award you bestowed upon me yesterday, Pat? I mean, this isn't exactly a 'tasteful' post. Even if I didn't write it, I did share it.

Sheila Deeth said...

Cops and EMTs have such great stories. Nice one.

Patricia Stoltey said...

No, Terry, you're stuck with the award. And I thought the post was just fine. Still giggling, as a matter of fact.

Shelley Munro said...

Good grief! I'm still trying to wrap my imagination around that. Off to tell hubby!

Nina Pierce said...

How? Really ... just how? The stories cops can tell. I can't wait to read the second half. As always, great post Terry.

Terry Odell said...

Nina, Shelley -
I think this falls into the "you couldn't make this stuff up" category. I look forward to the Friday posts too!

jean hart stewart said...

Gret teaser, sex hints are sometimes better than being explicit...Jean

P.A.Brown said...

The uni-dater! That's hilarious. You're right, no way you could make this stuff up, no one would believe you!! Thanks for a good side splitting laugh.

Karla Brandenburg said...

Which goes to prove that truth is stranger than fiction! You couldn't make something like that up!

Terry Odell said...

Hi, Karla -- have to agree with you totally on that one. Sometimes I think when we're writing, we can't use all the really good stuff, because nobody would believe it.

Anonymous said...

You guys think this is funny, you shouda' been there. I had to witness all this crap.

Mark Hussey

P.A.Brown said...

And I'll bet those images are burned into your mind. And it's not even a story you can tell your grandkids!