Thanks to Tom for sharing his new project. I hope everyone had a chance to read it--and took the 3 minutes to watch the video clip, and check out his blog. As a parent and a former teacher, I couldn't help but feel the passion he has for dealing with these deplorable conditions.As promised, here's the analysis of yesterday's over the top example of writing without understanding the need for a consistent point of view. This is an example of an attempt at third person point of view.
Mary entered the room. John thought she was the most amazing woman he'd ever seen. Mary walked past without seeing him. She went straight to the patio where the buffet was set up. Seeing trays heaped with caviar, her favorite delicacy, she picked up a plate and waited in line. The breeze ruffled the floral chiffon of her dress. She wondered if her long auburn hair would get mussed. No, she thought. She'd sprayed it with enough hairspray to withstand a hurricane. She scooped caviar onto her plate as John stepped into line behind her, a smile on his face. A tiny furrow appeared in her brow, and her green eyes narrowed.Let's take it line by line, looking only at point of view.
I first met SWAT Commander Tom Stroup while at the Y in Orlando. He taught a special workout class (which I admit I never took--too intimidating) but was there in his work clothes, which included prominently displayed badge and gun. I introduced myself and asked if he'd mind answering some writing-related questions. He was most gracious and we set up a meet at the local Starbucks, where the "don't use stereotypes" credo was reinforced when he ordered tea, not coffee. Not only did he answer my questions, but he invited me on a tour of the Central Ops building, where I picked up a lot of the 'local color' found in Nowhere to Hide.I had an e-mail from him recently about his latest venture, which is not related to his law enforcement work, and it was fascinating, so I asked him to share it with my readers. And be sure to watch the video clip at the end. Welcome, Commander Tom Stroup! 
I am a SWAT Commander for a large metropolitan police department, and here I sit in an airport in Vermont waiting for a plane to take me to Detroit, Michigan. I will arrive in Detroit on Saturday evening and I will begin work on Sunday morning. I will be the co-host of a new NBC reality show called “School Pride”. We will have 7 days to totally rebuild an ailing school.The story of how I went from SWAT Commander to TV host is fascinating, but will have to wait for another time. The real story is why do schools in America need to be rebuilt? The first episode of School Pride will air on September 24, 2010. We will rebuild 7 schools across America.I knew that there were “issues” with the American educational system, but I was not prepared for what I soon discovered. I expected to find schools that needed a fresh coat of paint, and I knew that teachers were overworked and underpaid.
Mary entered the room. John thought she was the most amazing woman he'd ever seen. Mary walked past without seeing him. She went straight to the patio where the buffet was set up. Seeing trays heaped with caviar, her favorite delicacy, she picked up a plate and waited in line. The breeze ruffled the floral chiffon of her dress. She wondered if her long auburn hair would get mussed. No, she thought. She'd sprayed it with enough hairspray to withstand a hurricane. She scooped caviar onto her plate as John stepped into line behind her, a smile on his face. A tiny furrow appeared in her brow, and her green eyes narrowed.
